4 Steps To Having Your Best Sex Ever

Chances are the phrase “best sex ever” might feel like I could be talking about something pretty out of reach. Some kind of awesomely amazing sex that you maybe thought only existed in romantic, super hot sex scenes. Not the kind of sex you would have. Or could have. Or at least not without a pretty extensive list of tricks and tips to master.

But the thing is, “the best sex ever” isn’t necessarily so elusive and far fetched. That’s because most of us tend to think of amazing sex as an overly complicated experience that needs bells and whistles and lingerie and the latest sexual positions (and maybe even bodies that don’t look quite like ours).

But I’ll let you in on a little secret: The trick to having your greatest sex ever is tapping into skills and experiences you already have. And they aren’t as wild or out there as you might think.

1. Be True to You

Work within the parameters of who you are and not who you think you should be. If you are a creative person who loves to dress up – then do it! But if that idea make you sweat and feel awkward, it’s better if you leave the role playing to someone else. That’s because there is no one size fits all way to great sex. But we do know that if you try to do things that don’t feel like an authentic expression of yourself, sex won’t feel so good.

Researchers have found that the couples who report having the greatest, best sex all report a similar experience: they say they are authentic to themselves during that sexual activity. It’s okay to get a little bit out of your comfort zone and experiment – but know your limits. If you’re spontaneous, try initiating sex at an unexpected time – like in the middle of dinner. If you’re creative, try dressing up or introducing a new sex toy. But if you’re a more tried and true “vanilla” type of person, your best sex could be achieved by using a familiar sexual position in bed with the lights off. Whatever it is, know yourself and own it.

2. Do What You Do Best

What is the best sex you have ever had?

Maybe it was just last week. But chances are it could have been with your partner earlier on in your relationship. Or maybe it was on a one night stand. Or with a previous partner. No matter what comes up, give it some thought and remember a time (or times) when you had your best sexual experience.

Then the next thing to ask is: what was good about it? What was happening then that made it so good? Did you feel close to your partner? Was it new and exciting? Was it emotionally charged? Did you have an orgasm?

It’s important to first understand what made it good and the second part is inviting those pieces back into your relationship. If you were on vacation, perhaps that’s a sign you need to relax or find a change of scenery. If it was the first time you said “I love you” maybe you need to reconnect with your partner and plan some dates to talk and connect emotionally. Think about what has worked, why, and then try to invite some form of that into your sex life now.

3. Break Old Patterns

Couples often fall into sexual routines in which they tried something once or twice earlier on in their relationship… and then kept doing it. Except that sometimes those activities aren’t things that either person actually wants or likes all that much.

Take for example a couple I worked with where the woman faked an orgasm while they were having missionary sex the first time. It turns out she doesn’t like missionary sex. It doesn’t allow her to get as actively involved as she likes to be. But she faked it, he thought she liked it and they kept doing it without checking in about whether it really felt good. So the couple kept having sex in a position that wasn’t working and she was too nervous to admit her earlier orgasm faking, he didn’t notice, so they just kept doing it.

And the thing is many couples have some version of something they tried earlier on that they haven’t given up because it’s just what they do now. Think about it the next time you’re having sex. Is there something you could let go of? Do differently? Share it with your partner and let go of those old bad habits. It could open up a whole new world of new more satisfying sexual experiences for you both.

4. Be Present

Stop worrying about what other people might be doing and whether the couples you know are having better sex than you. Stop worrying about how your stomach looks when you’re in a certain position. And stop worrying about whether you remembered to shave this morning. Just take some breaths and focus on the touch and smell of your partner and no more.

Research finds that the more we are able to just be in the moment and be mindful during sex the better that sex will be. Specifically, the practice of mindfulness – in which you just allow your thoughts to come and go without judgment – is found to be positively associated with sexual desire. In other words, being mindful helps us increase our interest in sex by turning down those nagging, negative thoughts and helps us tune into the actual sensations at hand like our partner, their touch, and how good it feels to be close to them.

Take Away

The best sex ever isn’t some elusive unachievable goal. In fact you already have all the tools you need to tap into your best sexual experience. Just aim to be in the moment, embrace the good memories, sift out the bad habits, and be true to yourself along the way. Happy experimenting!

Sarah Hunter Murray